On Common Sense & Privilege
fmylife:
Today, I had to wipe my ass with one of my socks. This is the second time this year I have found myself without toilet paper at school and no one to ask. My parents paid for me to go to college to wipe my ass with my clothing. FML
Dear FML,
Your parents are paying for you to go to college and you can’t even figure out that you should maybe buy some fucking toilet paper?
Don’t buy toilet paper. Keep wiping your ass with a sock. Go home and tell your parents that they’re throwing out their hard-earned money.
If they want to support someone through college, they’d be better served donating that money to a scholarship fund for underprivileged kids (ie, not you) who actually are capable of learning something.
Today, I had my noise-canceling headphones on and a girl sitting next to me raised her glass at me. I thought she meant “cheers”. So I did a “cheers” with her. When I drank my juice, it was only then did I realize that she was trying to tell me the flight attendant had mixed up our drinks. FML
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FML:
Dear FML,
We understand, mix-ups like that can be embarrassing. Next time you’re ordering juice on a flight, try to remember that tomato juice is red, orange juice is orange, and prune juice is purple. Was that really so hard?
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Today, I was really horny after some dirty texts from my boyfriend. Since everyone seemed to be sleeping, I closed my eyes and started to touch myself. I was really close to climaxing when I opened my eyes and made eye contact with my mother staring at me masturbating. FML
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FML:
Dear FML,
You know who else was watching you masturbate? God. God was. And Jesus. And your grandparents, great aunts and uncles, and relatives in Heaven. They’re always watching.
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Today, my husband left me for one of the college students I was tutoring in Spanish. We have two kids and are expecting a third. He left a note that said he would “stay in touch.” FML
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FML:
Dear FML,
Here’s a protip: next time you share this sob story, make your husband say, “Hasta la vista, baby!” instead in his breakup note. Hilarious!
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Today, I came home to find my Dad cheating on his new wife of six weeks. With my own mother who was supposedly dating “a real catch”. Should I be happy that my parents love each other or pissed off that they’re both whores? I can’t decide. FML
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FML:
Dear FML,
So, basically, your life is a Nancy Meyers screenplay. We recommend you kill yourself before you die of embarrassment.
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Today, my mom sold the car I’ve been working on for the last few years for 100 dollars. To buy gas for her car. FML
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FML:
Dear FML,
We’re betting you’re both a total slacker and also completely broke. So our advice to you is to sell your mom’s car and buy back the junker you were ‘working on’. Use the remaining money to get yourself an apartment of your own so you have a place to live when your mom throws the inevitable hissy and kicks you out.
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Today, the last person I invited to my birthday party called and said they couldn’t come because another party “came up” and they “hope I understand”. It’s on December 31st. This happens every year without fail. FML
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FML:
Dear FML,
Our advice: Stop having your stupid birthday party on December 31. Perhaps you’re unaware, but that’s a little event called New Year’s Eve. People like to go crazy, get drunk, and make out with random strangers on New Year’s Eve (okay, more so than they usually do). Look at the situation from your friends’ perspective: you are lame, and your party is not as cool as every other party going on that night. Be cool with it; embrace it. Throwing parties kind of sucks anyway; you have to clean up your place, buy a shit ton of crappy snacks and cheap alcohol, and then clean up your place again after your asshole friends the next day when you should be in bed, a slave to your hangover. Go out and make every New Year’s party your own birthday party. Get indecently drunk, do retarded things, and write it off the next day with a blithe, “Sorry, it was my birthday.”
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Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of two years over the phone, I recieved a knock on my door. It was my now ex-girlfriend who came to seek revenge by shooting me in the balls with a paintball gun at about a three foot range. FML
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FML:
Dear FML,
This is why doors have peepholes. It is also why you should never break up with someone over the phone: you get what you deserve.
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